Sometimes the hardest storms to get through are the ones you needed the most.
2018….. Two… Thousand… And… Eighteen.
In the same breath, my beautiful daughter was born and through my pain, my loneliness and depression, I learnt so many lessons that have bettered me and are shaping me to become the person I believe I am meant to be eventually.
Before I begin, I just want to give a HUGE BIG thank you to every reader, everyone who liked and shared my blog posts, everyone who gave me ideas and contributed to Perfect Flaw, everyone who went out of their way to tell me to keep going. Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. So much positivity has come through Perfect Flaw, in the new year, I am hoping to do so much more with Perfect Flaw and of course bring you those unfiltered experiences of motherhood and my outlooks on life.
So yes, here I am looking back at my 2018 and ready to leave it right where it is. I started this year off with high expectations, I put my all into ensuring that life would be great, in all areas so that once Jahzara arrives things are stress-free. I made this, if not the main focus then a big focus throughout my pregnancy because my last pregnancy and thereafter was not so great. As some of you may or may not know I experienced postnatal depression after having my son and I missed out on a lot of time which I could have spent bonding and I’ll never get back. The only focus I wanted for this year was to adjust to being a mother of two and saving money. But no matter my efforts, life still somehow came for me in the most horrid way, at my most vulnerable time, in the most unexpected way, it wasn’t meant to be like this.
May through to September was probably my most difficult months this year. I went through a horrid depression, not postnatal but depression all the same.
In May, regardless of how life was going, I was still determined not to let it break me. I stopped doubting myself and pushed Perfect Flaw, I remember posting my first post Love, Embrace & Remember Yourself which I received so much positive feedback for and I meant everything I said and was living it too. Then bit by bit life chipped away at me and I was no longer practising what I preached.
I found that one of the main reasons why I became so low was because I had put myself, time and efforts into everything and everyone else around me, except myself. So when I needed me the most, I had nothing but an empty vessel to give. I really worked hard to build myself back up and threw myself into things to make myself stronger mainly for my kids. These were the times I wrote “Level Up ” followed by my “60 days of Selfishness“.
Just before these posts, I had contemplated suicide on two occasions and that’s when I became scared of my own self. It wasn’t so much what I was going through which caused me to question my life, it was more the emotional pain and mental strain I was feeling. Some days were bearable and other days were overwhelming and when your support system is neither here nor there, death for me was an option at one point. Thankfully, I resisted and sought help and found outlets to help me such as getting a therapist, going to the gym more often, being a bit more sociable this summer etc. I took the same energy I so strongly put into everything and everyone else and started to put that into myself… and it was at this point I started to gain some control back into my life again.
Since September, I can confidently say that my outlook on life has been much more positive. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. That’s not to say I don’t still have bad days or that everything in my mind is great. However, these things have helped me:
- being open
- not harboring emotions
- doing things for myself
- spending time alone
- getting a therapist
- keeping busy
- positive post it notes all over the house
- daily mantra
- praying more
- trying to conquer things in the most stress-free way as possible
Due to these things, I:
- have become more confident a mother of two
- will no longer stay passive to disrespectful behaviour
- make realistic goals week by week
- staying away from those who drain me of my energy
- staying organised
- staying consistent
- holding on to that fact that everyday is a new day and I can start fresh tomorrow
I repeat again, I am not healed, better or fixed, I am still not ok, but I am getting better. Things happened this year which have literally broke me into many pieces and I am slowly putting myself back together. I still have body confidence issues, I still say hateful things to myself, I still hate myself on some days and many other things. It frustrates me sometimes because I have come to learn that some things really takes time. But Rome wasn’t built in a day and patience is really key. I don’t have much patience so I guess this is a time for me to learn how to be.
I’ve also learnt this year that happiness, self love, confidence etc . They are not destinations, but journeys and some of them take longer than others. Some of us need to detour, go back a little, slow down, speed up it’s not a straight forward road, neither is it a road you can being accompanied on. It is a road for you alone.
Although this year was horrendous. It has also been beneficial to my growing as an individual. I believe God had to really break me down and remove all the facades I put in so many areas of my life and have me look at my life for what it was. I thank him for the wake up call no matter how unbearable it was because I am such a better person now than I was before. And I will only get better, sometimes the hardest storms to get through are the ones you needed the most.
If we go back to the beginning of this post, I mentioned having “high expectations” I also mention something on the lines of “it wasn’t meant to be like this”. That was my problem…. starting this year off with a vivid picture of how I wanted it to be. Already predicting or wanting things to be a certain way, even before they had happened.
Going into 2019
Going into 2019, I have no expectations.. in people or situations. I have started to leave things to God and the universe and whatever I have control over I will focus on those things. It would be nice to have mastered this by the end of next year but we shall see.
Going into 2019, I will not set myself unpredictable goals, I really put myself under a lot of pressure and stress then beat myself up when the results don’t match my unrealistic time frame. So I have written down somethings I would like to achieve and I have given myself until June to achieve them. In June, I will do the same thing and give myself until December to achieve them. Simple.
Going into 2019, my main goal is to really love myself more and give myself the respect and pat on the back I really deserve. I have realized this year that I didn’t love myself as much as I thought I did…. That changes now.
As I use the rest of my 2018 to be around my loved ones, sip one to fifteen glasses of sweet rose or something stronger… I hope you all are able to focus on something to better your soul for this upcoming year. Remember you are a priority as well. I hope had a lovely Christmas and I wish nothing but happiness and prosperity in your New Year….
Until next time… Until next year…
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